Forever Unanswerable!

Who am I ?!
Why am I here in this world ?!
How does this life work ?!
What do (Love, Soulmate, friend) mean ?!
Why do I always get sad easily ?!
Why do I love people honestly while almost of them don’t ?!
Why do I always respect and appreciate people’s feelings while they hurt with no care ?!
Why do I believe every word is said to me ?!
Am I really a naive person ?!
Am I really strong or just pretend to be ?!
and if I was really strong, so why I need those whom I love to be always near and suffer a lot once they leave ?!
or Am I really weak and dependent ?!
I don’t try to tell you that I’m an ideal girl, or that I’ve such kind of feeling that I’m persecuted by everyone. NO!
But when I love any person, I do it honestly, I care too much and even ready to sacrifice for pleasing them.
For more than 2 years, and all these thoughts and unanswerable questions surround me and prevent me from taking a comfortable quiet breath.
I discovered that I misunderstood this life, how it works and all the people.
I’m now lost in this world and drowning in my grief, life problems and so many bad emotions.
I no longer able to deal with people, as I no longer trust and believe in anything.
See, how I became!
you know, once a person come and tell me anything whatever, the first reaction my mind take is “This could be fake, what guarantee that this person and his words are true, Don’t do the same mistake again, Don’t believe, Don’t trust, Don’t open your heart!”  all these words became like a principle I follow and a slogan which I raise it up in everyone’s face.
I wanna really know what’s the right way of dealing with life and people without getting pain.
I don’t like the idea of being surrounded by all of these darkness while I’m in my twentieth and being called as a gloomy girl and love the life of drama!!
I got sick of the whole life, people and no longer like talking or revealing anything about me.
I feel that I became a stranger here, even stranger among those whom I love and were like a home to me. I just feel homesick all the time!
Yes, I know that it’s always my fault, but this is who I’m and what I feel. I’m not such person who can control her emotions and be cruel with people, I really can’t do!
I love you, then you hurt me so it gonna be so hard to me, because I’ll not be able to hate you or treat you cruelly!

-I’m just trying to express what I’m feeling, although this doesn’t describe well, as I became failing even in expressing about what I feel!

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Oh Memories!

There’s no doubt that every person have a lot of memories through every moment passes.
Indeed, memories are so kind, because it’s the only thing that don’t leave us whatever happened, even if those whom we shared the memory with left us!
when we sit alone, memories act like best friend and share us our loneliness and either they make us smile and forget our loneliness by remembering us with every beautiful moment we once lived in the past, and how we were happy, or we just got sad and this happen when we back to the current moment and realize that it’s not more than a memory, as memory means past, and past means that it’s over and will never come again, sadly!
when we look at the old pictures, we will find that almost of the lovely people who were with us no longer exist in our life, as they either left to hereafter (May They R.I.P), or they became so busy with their own life and so they have no time to remember what was in the past..
Memories are the only thing which really know what Forever” means, because only them which will accompany us till the last breath.
The person who is truly honest in his emotions couldn’t forget a word he once heard from a dear person to his heart, a promise, a picture they shared together one day even its date, place, and how their feeling was at that moment.
And He will never be alone, such person who  save his memories in his heart before his memories’ box!

I didn’t once think in memories or even was interested about it, but I just felt nostalgia towards it when I missed almost of the people whom I used to see around. I felt that I’m in need to read all the words they once wrote for me, to hear all the songs they once dedicate to me, to see the pictures, to close my eyes and remember myself when I was with them and the sweet emotions I felt at that time. You have no idea how memories kill me inside, and in spite of that, I never stopped doing this everyday or get bored with it, and I’m sure I’ll never do!

I have a lot of memories with everyone I know, those which inspire me, and those which make me wanna die, not because they are bad, but because who I shared the memories with is no longer near.
You know, I wished to have memories with my father! Actually, I searched hard to find any little memory, but sadly I got disappointed, because I didn’t find anything except some of confusing emotions inside which is in love, but can’t reveal!
*SIGHS*
My heart is full of a lot of the sweet emotions which became now mere memories,
My mind also is full of situations which I shared with many lovely people everywhere,
My ears save all the sweet sounds which they once fell in love with,
My hand couldn’t forget a special touch it once got from a best friend was holding it kindly,
My  eyes too couldn’t forget someone once wiped its tears away, and then let the lips got a secret smile,

I’m really thankful for all the sweet memories I shared with everyone, you have to know that you did a great favor to me by being a part of my life and leaving sweet memories for me to remember.. Thank You! 

Will You Stand By Me ?!

Nothing’s impossible
Nothing’s unreachable
When I’m weary, You make me stronger
This Love is beautiful
So unforgettable
I feel no winter cold, when we’re together
When We’re Together!
Will You Stand By Me ?! Hold on and never let me go!
Will You Stand By Me ?!
With you I know I belong,
When the story gets told
When day turns into night
I Look into your eyes
I see my future now
All the world and its wonder
This Love Won’t Fade Away!!
And through the hardest days,I’ll never question us
You’re the reason
My Only Reason!
Will You Stand By Me ?!
Hold on and never let me go!
I’m Blessed to find what I need in a world loosing hope,
You’re my only hope!
 You make things right everytime after time.
Will You Stand By Me ?!
Hold On And NEVER let me go!
Will You Stand By Me ?!
Will I Be A Part Of Your Life ?!
When the story gets told
Won’t you Stand  by me?!
No My darling!
See, I want you by my side!
See, I need you here with me!
STAND BY ME!

Moments!

Everyday we live a lot of moments, the moment follow the moment till the 24 hr of the day end, and start a new 24 hr with new moments. maybe it will be the same moment which is called “Routine”, maybe a moment of laughter, a moment of crying, a moment of meditation, a moment of deep thinking, a moment of hello, a moment of goodbye, a moment of remembering, a moment of truth, a moment of lie, a moment of pain, a moment of cure, a moment of fear, a moment of unconcern…. & more and more of moments in our daily life, but at last it’s just a moment and it will end anyway!

The problem is that we don’t deal with the moment as it’s supposed to do, as in the good moments we live like it’s the happily ever after forgetting everything and feel like we’re flying and left the earth -The Real Life- , and when it comes to its end like anything, we get shocked and can’t deal, because we just forgot that nothing last forever, nothing is called happily ever after, and the following moment maybe not good. Maybe it’s not good, but it doesn’t mean that it’s a result for something wrong we did or we are punished that’s why things doesn’t work as we want, but such bad moment which follow the good one is like a reminder for us to back to Allah, to be more patient, to pray more and more, to resort to Allah, and to feel the following moment well, as it’ll be a good one to learn us to be more grateful and thank Allah more and more..

Between the good moment & the bad one, there’s always something good for us which we don’t see, either a new lesson, or much of Khair (good) for us . Actually, we don’t see these goods, because we just close our eyes that’s why we see everything around dark, in other words, when we have a trial we don’t think in anything except that we have a trial, we don’t even think in what should be done to get out of it , all we do is just wasting a lot of time cry and regret for what happened forgetting everything which the past moments learned us.
We always need someone to remind us that we’ve to wake up, we’ve to get a solution, we’ve to move on more quickly, and that the following moment will be better. You know, we don’t need someone to remind us, if only we were not always in a hurry, if only we were not get bored of patience for a long time, if only we didn’t surrender easily, if only our hearts were not weak, but sadly this is the nature of all the humans all over the world , but there’s no doubt that there’re many people who think well and don’t surrender easily.

About me, I’m a human and I get depressed and disappointed whenever something bad happen to me  and it may takes a very long time more than it supposed to take, but really after it passes away, I think in the matter again, I open my eyes and see that the light is still on, I display the sound of the mind which I muted when I was in bad need to it just because I wanted to, and then tell myself “If Only” , but I always say it when it’s too late!!
I really wish I could act positively when I get a problem, to be real patient, to fill my heart with faith that the following moment must be a good one to heal what’s broken, to be real grateful, to smile in everyone’s face because they don’t know that I’ve a problem, to control my heart and don’t let it fall easily, to be real strong not just pretend to be, to depend only on Allah then myself to find a way for my problem, not to waste time regretting what happened and do all my best to move on quickly.

I wish everyone could do this too, that’s why I write these words as a reminder to self and you. Remember always that nothing lasts forever, forever is just a lie, because everything has an end , and forever means no end , so forever is a lie. sooner or later the moment you live will ends and another one will comes , welcome it well whatever it was , as surely it has something good for you!

May Your Good Moments Will Always Be More Than The Bads 🙂

!تنـــهـــيده و مــن أول الســطــر

أعاني كثيرا و لا أعلم مما أعاني
هل أعاني من فراق أحبتي الذين طالما كانوا نافذة الهواء لقلبي؟
أم أني أعاني من انكسار و خيبة آمل لردة فعل غير متوقعه؟
أو ربما أعاني من هبوط مفاجئ في قائمة أولويات من أحب، فربما خيل لي أني أتصدر أولى قوائمهم
أو أني أعاني من عدم تقدير مشاعري و السخريه المستمره منها
أو اني أعاني من أحلام مستحيله تعبث بعقلي دائما
أو أني أعاني من كثرة الضحك المبتذل
أو أعاني من قلة التنفس، حيث أشعر أن هنالك غصه عالقه تحول بيني و بين الهواء
أو أني أعاني من كثرة الشكوى و الكلام دون جدوى
أو أعاني من تزاحم الكلمات و المشاعر المرهقه بداخلي
أو أني أعاني من صدق ملأ قلبي جعلني أرى كل من حولي صادقين في أقوالهم و أفعالهم , حتى تأتي تلك اللحظه الصادمه بعدم الصدق
هـــل أعاني من مرض نفسي!؟
هـــل أعاني من الاستسلام و الانهزام!؟
هـــل أعاني من ضعف في قلبي يجعلني أقع في الحب سريعا و أسلم به و أصدق!؟
هـــل أعاني من نسيان نفسي في حبي للآخرين!؟

حقـــــــا،، لا أعلــــمــ ممـــــا أعـــــانــــي
أشعر و كأني جسد خالي بلا روح، لا أطيق العيش أكثر من ذلك في تلك الدنيا الكاذبه المليئه  بالكلام الوهمي و الوعود المكسوره،، لا أريد البوح بما في داخلي و لا أريد التحدث مع أحد حتى هؤلاء الذين أحبهم وأحب التحدث معهم.. أريد فقط أن انعزل عن العالم بأجمعه و أبقى مع ربي فقط هو وحده (سبحانه و تعالى) من يشعر بقلبي حقا

أود ان أرحل الى ذلك المكان الذي لا يعرفني به أحد ، لا أحد يوجه لي عتاب لكثرة صمتي ، لا أحد يسألني ماذا بك!؟ ، لا أحد يقول لي (أحبك) فأنا لم أعد أطيق سماع تلك الكلمه ، لا أحد يعطيني شئ أتذكره ثم يرحل ثم أتوجع لفراقه ، لا أحد يخذلني ، لا أحد يضمّني اليه ليخفف عني فأصبحت لا أطيق الاقتراب من أحد و أشعر و كأنهم جميعا كالصبار الملئ  بالأشواك أخاف الاقتراب منهم جميعا

أشعر أنــي لــم أعد أشعر و لا حتى أبالي  .. قلبي يرتجف خوفا من كثرة الظلام بداخله، أشعر به يبكي كلما بكت عيني و كأنه يشاركني همومي فهو قلب طيب قد واسى الكثير من القلوب  ، تلك القلوب التي لم تواسيه في وحدته و انكساره .. عذرا قلبي فأنا التي عبثت بك كثيرا و قتلت فيك كل جميل .. كنت في ربيع عمرك و أنا التي جعلتك تشيخ باكرا قبل الآوان .. فعذرا لك يا قلبي

ابتعدوا عني جميعا و لا تسألوني ما أصابني فكثرة الضغط تولد الانفجار .. اتركوني و شأني حتى لا تندموا بعد ذلك على لحظة انفجاري و اذا أردت الرحيل فلتتركوني ربما أجد الراحه هنـــــاك .. ذلك الــ هنــاك الذي مــازلت لا أعرف مكانه

!و مـــــازلت لا أعلــــــمــ ممـــا أعــــــانـــي

You Are The Enemy Of Yourself!

Everyone of us could be the enemy of himself by spoiling his heart, and this happen when we care so much for those who don’t care about us as much as we do about them,
when we love anyone more than ourselves,
when we give so much and don’t get back anything,
when we let our hearts get close to anyone,
when we let our happiness or sadness relied on someone’s existence,
when we don’t learn from the lessons that life teach us everyday,
when we listen carefully to the negative words which people always say to disappoint us and let them affect easily on us, and mute the positive sound,
when we close our eyes and don’t see those who love us honestly more than we love them and we don’t even care not for ignorance, but because we just open our eyes for what we want to see and we focus only on that person who even may don’t love us as much as those people do,
when we think that someone will love us more than himself,
when we think that someone will sacrifice for us or even sacrifice to make us happy,
when we let someone be the controller of our hearts,
when we try to satisfy everyone around till we fall down and  this all will be at last with no appreciation from them,
when we keep standing at the same place and everyone around move on and they are busy updating their life , but we just share them their updates and support them forgetting ourselves!!!

FORGET IT!
Look at yourself and see where you are standing now?
how much time you wasted for blessing those who hurt you?
look at your heart and see how it became dark and full of depression?
see how you let everything beautiful inside you die?
count how many times you cared about yourself and made anything you love to make yourself happy? you just do your best to make them happy and forget yourself too, although they don’t care at least as much as you do!

WAKE UP!
Be careful from now, and don’t let anyone spoil your heart and your days!
Be the manager of your life and make yourself happy, because no one will do!
Clear your sight and look around you may see something inspire you, and you may see those who honestly love you and you don’t care about them. Try to care about them , because you know how ignorance hurt so much!
Love yourself at first , appreciate yourself, and value your heart,  so no one will be able to shake you!

Actually, I’m not that person who is doing the best always and who is qualified to give advices, but I just got hurt many times, and many people I love disappointed me and broke my heart that’s why I decided to care more about myself, to advice everyone not to love anyone more than himself in order not to get hurt because it’s really painful.
Everyone please, take care of your heart!

“You are the enemy of yourself” were the most effective words I got from my friend, and didn’t think in its meaning till I realized that she’s totally right and I’m really the enemy of myself, because I’m the one who spoil her life, herself, and her heart!
Thank you my friend Hagar- for pointing my attention to care more about myself, and to love myself.
I’m really so grateful for every advice I got from you!

They All Leave, Sadly!

Throughout the little years I lived in this weird life, I’ve just found that everyone Leaves!

I lost a lot of people , they suddenly Leave without giving any excuses..

Those who leave, because they died, 😦   I really miss them.

Those who leave, because they no longer love us,

Those who leave, because they’ve a new person more important for them than us to care about!       “This feeling really kills me

Those who leave, because the problems of their life obliged them to be busy all the time and have no time to ask bout us!

Those who leave, because they found a new comfort zone, more comfortable than ours, :\

Those who leave, because it’s our destiny to lose them,

At last, Everyone is gonna leave even me.. I just realized how much leaving hurts, and I’m really afraid of the coming moment I’ll lose anyone i love!

I know it’s the nature of life and it’s the fatalism which we’ve to believe in and I say Alhamdulillah for everything, but it really hurts .. It hurts to death!

Ya Allah Save those who are around me , and I love them . I don’t wanna lose anyone else!

P.S. :- I was totally convinced that if I lost someone I love, I’ll never be able to complete my life and may be I’ll die after him, but in fact, No one die for losing anyone whatever how much he loved him.. This is a lesson I’ve got from the life!